Warren Buffett, Economic Traitor

25 August, 2014 Dateline: Washington DC


This afternoon, in an unscheduled press briefing, Josh “The Impotence of Being” Ernest, stormed to the podium with the following prepared statement. No questions were permitted. What follows is the exclusive transcript from PBA News. (The rest of the White House press corps was huddling just outside the briefing room, planning the distractions from whatever history might take place for the balance of the week.)

Today is a day that will live in infamy. Listen, my children, while Obama did duff it, of the midnight treason of Warren Buffett. This shall not stand. Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country.

Warren Buffett, a rapacious capitalist exploiter of the working class, who in the past has falsely presented himself as the champion for greater government revenue, has stripped off his mask, revealing his other two faces: Judas and Brutus. The President has oft remarked that yon Buffett has a lean and hungry look. & tuday he has stabbed Obamus in the back. Like Judas, he pretended to care about fiscal responsibility. Like Judas, he betrayed Messiah for filthy lucre.

“Tax the rich!”, he cried. “Higher marginal tax rates!” And yet today, we find his greedy capitalist claws, with Howard Hughes-like fingernails, pulling the strings to enable Burger King to buy Tim Horton’s, a Canadian – Canadian! – doughnut chain. And why? So that Burger King, whose very corporate name screams out its unAmerican nature, can reduce the taxes it pays these United States of America!

His perfidy extends: does America lack for doughnuts? Do we not, indeed, run on Dunkin’ Donuts? Are we no longer able to make our Krispy Kreme? Yet this Buffett shows his contempt for Michele-Antoinette and her anti-obesity campaign by this cruel introduction of unneeded calories, crabs and cholesterol. He also subverts the “Let Them Eat Local” movement, launched from the First Lady’s chef’s garden.

Tomorrow, the President will introduce a bill of attainder against this seditious perfidious subversive traitor. Though the Constitution may forbid such acts, we all know that the Constitution is a living document, not a suicide pact. In times of crisis, this President will not flinch from breaking the antiquated constraints of a 225-year-old piece of parchment.

While we wait on the Congress to pass the Comprehensive Bill of Attainder and Immigration Reform, the President will do what he can with his pen. This afternoon, he signed an Executive Order making Warren Buffett, immediately and permanently, anathema